Dialogue Jump-Start Tip #3: Go to the Movies

Imagine that it’s a Saturday night and you’re headed to the movies with friends. There’s a new blockbuster movie and people whose taste you trust have told you it’s a must-see. Picture yourself buying your ticket and joking around with friends while standing in the concession line. Imagine the taste of the popcorn as you share a bucket with the friends sitting next to you. Imagine the trailers for upcoming flicks.

Now the blockbuster you’ve come to see begins. Let’s say, for the sake of our imagination, that it’s The Simpsons Movie.

Do you stand up and shout to the audience, “This is ridiculous! You’ve wasted your time and money! The Simpsons don’t really exist! It’s not believable! I beg you to stop listening to this!”

Of course you don’t. Hopefully. If you do, I don’t imagine your friends invite you to the movies very often.

You don’t do it because when you walked into the the theater you suspended your disbelief. You made a tacit agreement with yourself that for a small stretch of time you will suspend judgment about what’s real, what’s legitimate, and what’s believable. You agreed to try and appreciate the story for a while, even if you don’t believe it.

That’s the same approach to take when you’re trying to resolve a difficulty with a client. Communications disorders expert Rebecca Shafir coined the phrase, “Get into their movie” to capture the spirit of this approach. Getting into their movie means:

• Temporarily suspending your disbelief in their version of what’s wrong or right.
• Listening carefully, just like at the movies. You don’t repeatedly talk out loud there, right?
• Trying on the other person’s story for size, seeing what you can learn from it.

Getting into their movie isn’t about agreeing with them or suspending your disagreement for good. It’s about creating genuine space for the other’s perspective to reach you and be considered by you before you react, respond, reply.

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